Happy Mercury Retrograde!✨🔮🎉

Coming back for the drama 😈

If you were the owner-operator of a dormant-since-April but still beloved and hilariously-named newsletter, wouldn’t you resume posting the very eve that Mercury went retrograde?

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Of course you would. Anyone would. The timing is right there. It’s too delicious, and I am in no mood to pass on deliciousness in Cancer season. (It’s the sign of FOOD and I just ate ravioli.)

Anyway, I’m back. Hello to the new joiners, hello to the stalwarts, and hello to anyone on their way out. I miss you already. 💐

In retrospect—which is how we must be trained to look at things now that the trickster planet of thinking and communicating is mirage-moving backwards—it was pretty Gemini of me to skip out on my own season. In the interim, I went to Italy, I switched jobs, I stopped writing weekly and monthly horoscopes for PureWow (my heart, it hurts 💔), and I turned 34, which means a brand new birthday chart with some big, sexy oppositions to deal with. Seriously, pray for my health this year, pray for everything, because I’ve never seen a more conflict-laden, tension-heavy, foreboding and scary solar return than the one I’ve got until June 12, 2020 (countdown: 10 months, 4 days). Tick tock.

Thank god astrology isn’t real. But just in case it is, here are some notes on this Mercury retrograde.

Some notes on this Mercury retrograde

  • I still think you’ve got to lean in, baby. Mistakes will be made. Exes will be contacted. Out-of-season friends will come back into the picture. Get flexible. It’s Mercury—he’s nimble. 🧚‍♂️

  • This one’s in Leo until July 19, when it backs up into Cancer. For now, that means fiery tongues and prideful thoughts. Expect a lot of political arguments, a lot of, “Well the fact that you would even want to say that to me tells me everything!” This can be pretty useful when it’s applied to old fights and unhealed wounds. Use the lion to get your catharsis. 🦁

  • Later, in Cancer, the sign of personal history and wounds we nurture, we may finally be able to make sense of some recent (or ancient) traumas by feeling our way through. Talk less, cry more. Don’t fear the feelings; just enjoy your meltdowns and trust(!) that you’ll feel better in the morning. Or at least on August 11, when Mercury (already direct by then) moves back into Leo.

  • The date you want to circle on your calendar is July 31, because that is when Mercury retrograde officially ends. Two minutes before midnight, too, just to be extra dramatic about it.

  • The beginning and end of a retrograde is the most volatile and upheaved, so remember not to make, schedule, sign, or do any:

    • Appointments,

    • Big decisions (like moving jobs or starting a committed relationship),

    • New ventures (nothing NEW at all),

    • Interviews,

    • Babies (just kidding—they’ll be fine),

    • Contracts,

    • And so on.

  • Finally, don’t forget to have fun. If Mercury is going to make a clown of you, then prepare to laugh at yourself. 🤡

Low-key horoscopes for July 8 through 14

Please allow me to offer some broad, planetary guidance on what I see ahead for everyone next week. All times are Eastern because I live in New York.

  • Monday: Okay, actually a pretty positive day immediately following the retrograde. All morning, we’ve got harmony between the Libra moon, Mars and Mercury. While keeping the context of Mercury retrograde alive in your heart, this is a good day to put action behind plans, especially anything related to writing or self-expression. Speak your truth, just try not to focus on any NEW truth. At 11:31 a.m., Venus and Uranus are teaming up to give you creative superpowers. Be open to inspiration striking you like lightning. That’s how Uranus works. Then at night, 6:28 p.m., Mercury and Mars join up to make you… a very powerful communicator. Honestly, great night to have sex, even if it’s just with yourself. You could seduce with your words. Go get ‘em.

  • Tuesday: The moon is mad at the sun, Saturn, and Pluto, and then the sun and Saturn face off at around 1:07 p.m. Also the moon is void of course from 3:35 p.m. onward, which is like a retrograde for your EMOTIONS. This is the day you get smacked in the head by deadlines, new assignments, old assignments you did wrong, forms you have to re-do, online orders that placed twice. This is quicksand. This is the universe delaying all your trains and making anyone who has power over you cranky. Fuck. I have no words of comfort; we all have to just get through this one. I have therapy first thing in the morning, and I recommend the same to all of you.

  • Wednesday: Another shit day, but with an intense Scorpio moon to help us channel our dark feelings into something productive. Moon is mad at Mercury, Mars, and Uranus, so the stress will emanate not from authority figures and external structures but our own mind and morale. We might be feeling understandably demoralized and angry, and this day is about us working through that, not answering to anyone else. Unfortunately, we may still have to answer to others, so it’s a difficult balancing act. Carve out some time, if you can, to just go sit in a room and breathe. If you want to replay violent revenge fantasies, I would not blame you. The universe is rewarding us at 9:29 p.m. with some harmony between the moon and Venus, the planet of love, money, good taste, and fortune. Unwind with your loved one(s) or treat yourself to bath bomb.

  • Thursday: Interesting, interesting. Besides one explosive square between Mars and Uranus at 1:59 p.m., the entire day is dreamy, creative and positive. But wow, Mars and Uranus are two volatile and violent planets. And if they are chafing up against each other, that doesn’t bode well for trying to resolve conflicts or even just avoid them during the lunching hour if you’re in the New York time zone. The flare ups will surprise you, you will not see them coming, and you will not handle them with grace. Uranus energy especially is all about embracing the new with optimism, so when you feel a novel current in the air—even if you don’t like it—try to get on board. It’ll probably pass as quickly as it came. Meanwhile, remember that the rest of the day gorgeous and fertile and nurturing! Just trend lightly around that one time frame…

  • Friday: Is chill.

  • Saturday: Also chill. Doesn’t mean nothing is going to happen, but the planets are having minimal interactions and the skies are peaceful.

  • Sunday: Chill, except for the sun vs. Pluto at 10:46 a.m. ET. That’s a BIG ego struggle, and the two celestial bodies with the strongest wills (Scorpio’s planet vs. Leo’s luminary, baby) are going off on each other. This could be transformative if you’re going through something, and expect to find your very soul on the other side of the negotiating table from your deepest urges and addictions. I don’t know what’s going to happen (how could I?) or even how to resolve this kind of battle, but I do know that you will need to make space for the toxic things you want, even if you ultimately let them go. Try to escape this one with minimal self-judgment. It’s too cliche to say, “love yourself,” but at least see yourself, all of yourself, throughout this process.

Why I don’t believe in astrology

I love this section. There’s so much about astrology that works for me because I force it to, but sometimes something comes along that not even I can make sense of.

Here are a few of the things that are strongly challenging my belief in astrology.

  • Lizzo is a luscious Taurus queen, but if I didn’t know better, I’d say her philosophy of radical self-love and consummate extroversion would make her a Leo. If she actually were a Leo, you can bet I’d be like, OF COURSE she’s a Leo. I’d say it in all caps, just like that. But she’s not. She’s a steady, calm Taurus. Fine. It makes some sense, but I’m meeting the universe more than halfway.

  • Marilyn Monroe was a Gemini, but Audrey Hepburn was a Taurus? I mean, yes, Audrey Hepburn, gorgeous, ethereal, Venusian woman, sure. But like, also multi-disciplinary and gamine! Like a little Gemini fairy! And then Marilyn Monroe, okay, hilarious, flirtatious, sexual, smart enough to play an airhead, yes. I see all that Gemini. But also FEMININE in all-caps, overflowing, curvy, heavy energy, wide set bovine eyes. I get it, but if I had guessed, I would have switched them.

  • Jim Carrey makes sense to me as a Capricorn now (the serious turn, both in acting roles and in communicating with the public, the longevity, the excellence), but as a child Gemini who adored him, I couldn’t fathom that he wasn’t one of my own. He was so goofy! And verbally elastic! And facially dexterous! But I’ve grown up and learned that not only are Capricorns funny, they are also good at whatever they want to do, including comedy.

Why I do believe in astrology

That’s it for now. 🌺