Love you to the moon and to Saturn 💫

Wet pussy, folklore, astrology 💦🌲✨

Horoscopes first!

I’m doing horoscopes first because you deserve it! All times are Eastern because I am in New York.

Saturday 8/8 🔥

  • Moon is in Aries, which means I have a crush on it. The sun will trine—aka be absolutely obsessed with—the moon at 6:49 p.m., which is fantastic news since I’ll be dining with friends somewhere in Queens, and we could use a cosmic injection of fun and flirty fire sign energy.

Sunday 8/9 😱

  • Ew, the moon is making two squares—wretched aspects that signal friction and annoyance. The first is to Pluto at 7:37 a.m., which is… quite early for a Saturday. I mean, maybe you’re already up and about, but if not, my advice is go back to sleep and miss this. Because this is Pluto, the god of power and desires that would embarrass us if anyone heard them out loud, you may experience intense, vivid dreams. Remember to write them down when you wake up so you can turn them into award-winning tweets.

  • Second square of the day is at 3:50 p.m. with Saturn. Everything will feel oppressive—and most things actually are! So at least you have reality on your side.

  • Then the moon goes void of course—which is the moon’s retrograde, if you will—until 9:28 p.m., which is bedtime.

  • I refuse to have the Sunday scaries this weekend, but on paper this looks like a scary Sunday.

Monday 8/10 🦉

  • I just proclaimed that I would not be feeling Sunday scaries, and then I held dread in my belly as I typed the word “Monday.”

  • Wait, the moon is in Taurus—which is an exalted position, which means the moon couldn’t be happier and more powerful in this sign. My sister has a Taurus moon, and I am extremely suspicious it’s the reason she is happy and wise.

  • Oh wait—at 8:51 a.m., Pluto squares Uranus, planet of shocking developments, and then at 9:12 p.m., it squares the moon. So Pluto is having a rough one, and I’d save any serious or dramatic conversations for later this week, if you can. If you can’t, I’d start making peace with the reality that you will be uncomfortable, and things will be shaken up. I’m not ready.

Tuesday 8/11 🍋

  • Moon is still in Taurus, giving us sweet, stable, harmonious energy. And then it’s friendly with Jupiter, Neptune, and Pluto—all the outer planets that govern on the society level rather than the individual one. I wish this was the picture in the sky on Election Day, but that Tuesday is going to be a fucking catastrophe. But this Tuesday is easy peasy lemon pie.

Wednesday 8/12

  • This day is no problem! Moon moves into Gemini at 9:46 a.m., and enjoy the dazzling emotional clarity.

Thursday 8/13 🍨

  • Lovely, relaxing day. Maybe you’ll take two walks or catch up on Real Housewives (finally) or eat an ice cream sandwich for breakfast. You will be unhassled!

Friday 8/14 📺

  • Moon is void from 7:19 a.m. to 7:35 p.m.—don’t even try to do anything! Let your personality be a low-wattage screen saver you present to the world and accept that some days are meant for laying down the whole time.

Saturday 8/15👽

  • Uranus goes retrograde until 2021! This is tough news for me, an Aquarius rising with air sign dominance. Uranus is a challenging planet, but I ultimately support and value its difficult, weird, revolutionary energy. We need that right now, especially in the next few months. Personally, I doubt this will affect anyone too much. Uranus is disruptive globally; the impact of its slumber now will likely be absorbed in the broader landscape of chaos and tyranny we’re currently fighting.


A note about Venus in Cancer… 💦🐱

Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion released a fun single yesterday called WAP, which stands for wet-ass pussy but has been santized(?) to “wet and gushy” for innocent audiences. Either way, the song is about what it says it’s about.

Yesterday is also when Venus, the planet of love, money, and overflowing femininty entered Cancer, the wettest sign in the zodiac—tears, breastmilk, ocean waves, hormones, you name it. I cannot think of a more literal way to celebrate this placement than with a tribute to WAP.

I could only find the “clean” version, but there really is no clean version. Venus in Cancer is too fecund and lush to abide by the constraints of respectability.

Meow.


Signs as Taylor Swift lyrics from folklore 🌲🌙

I have cruised through Taylor’s new cozy, cottagecore, probably very queer album folklore many times now. My favorite part is that everyone seems to have different favorites. My top three is really a top four:

  1. mad woman

  2. seven

  3. august / last great american dynasty

I also love betty, the 1, and invisible string. I bet all your faves are totally different!

Anyway, here are the signs as lyrics from this album:

Aries

But if I just showed up at your party /
Would you have me? Would you want me? /
Would you tell me to go fuck myself

…from betty

Taurus

And I can see us twisted in bedsheets /
August sipped away like a bottle of wine /
'Cause you were never mine

…from august

Gemini

In my defense, I have none /
For never leaving well enough alone /
But it would've been fun

…from the 1

Cancer

I knew you /
Hand under my sweatshirt /
Baby, kiss it better

…from cardigan

Leo

Before I learned civility /
I used to scream ferociously /
Any time I wanted

…from seven

Virgo

You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else /
And you know damn well /
For you I would ruin myself

…from illicit affairs

Libra

You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes /
Spinning in my highest heels, love /
Shining just for you

…from mirrorball

Scorpio

What did you think I'd say to that? /
Does a scorpion sting when fighting back? /
They strike to kill, and you know I will

…from mad woman*

*I know this one is so obvious, and I almost didn’t choose it for that reason, but ultimately I had to follow my heart on behalf of the scorpions. It’s a fabulous lyric in a fabulous song for a fabulous sign.

Sagittarius

There goes the loudest woman this town has ever seen /
I had a marvelous time ruining everything

…from last great american dynasty

Capricorn

Love you to the moon and to Saturn /
Passed down like folk songs /
The love lasts so long

…from seven

Aquarius

You were my crown, now I'm in exile, seeing you out /
I think I've seen this film before /
So I'm leaving out the side door

…from exile (feat. Bon Iver)

Pisces

Time, curious time /
Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs

…from invisible string