September invites you to be perfect 👼

F*cking up is not an option

September 🐰🐰

I woke up this morning and said, “rabbit rabbit,” because it’s the first of the month. Sometimes I don’t remember, but there was no way I was going to f*ck it up during Virgo season.

Reality Tv Dont Fuck It Up GIF

Every astrological season is an invitation to indulge in the utopian vision of that sign. In Virgo, the pitch is to be perfect, to find salvation in grit. Virgo season says, what could we achieve if we LOVED organization and hard work? What if you were religious about your daily habits? What if you were just obsessed with working hard?

emily blunt desk GIF

These are not questions I’m so interested in answering year-round, but they have a time and a place—or at least a time. And that time is now.

🚨 We just had a Virgo new moon 🚨

Don’t forget that we’re still in the post-orgasmic afterglow of a very nice new moon in Virgo on August 30!

meg ryan orgasm GIF

That means it’s not too late to at least PRETEND we’re going to introduce some healthy new habits for back-to-school time—stretching, wiping down surfaces every other day, replacing your dead plants, rolling over your 401(k), pumicing your feet, etc. It’ll be super easy if you think hard work is easy!

Horoscopes for what will be quite a week

You’ll see. All times Eastern.

Sunday 9/1

  • This is an amazing day. At 10:10 a.m., Mercury trines Uranus, which is about the best thing Mercury could ever do to your anus. Mercury and Uranus are birds of a feather, with Uranus being the next generation of the former. Mercury is smart; Uranus is brilliant. Mercury likes change; Uranus is obsessed with the future. Mercury is a prankster; Uranus will pack up your whole life and drown it in a river because it dreamt you could be living a better life. When these two are in sync, you get their best powers—brilliance, wit, invention, originality. It’s not necessarily only creative energy, either. This isn’t just about art, but problem solving, systems at large (like oppressive institutions in our culture that need to die!), technology, business, etc. Definitely you’ll have an impulse to talk shit, but you may end up talking to the right people.

  • Venus and Saturn get along at 2:48 p.m., making our afternoons productive, harmonious, and beautiful. Saturn asks us to do more with less, and Venus makes it so that we can do it with ease and beauty. In other words, austerity but make it fashion.

Monday 9/2

  • The sun and Mars frockling together at 6:43 a.m. make for a fun and flirty Labor Day. You’ll feel physically expressive, optimistic, and full of energy like a little puppy, so find another pup to run with. 🐶

  • Venus and Jupiter are the benefic planets, the ones who give us our charms and good luck. So it kind of sucks that they are at each other’s throats at 12:26 p.m. Don’t spend money on anything—perfect, because nothing will be open.

Tuesday 9/3

  • This whole day is about talking and expressing yourself.

  • Mercury and Mars are hanging out together at 11:40 a.m., which is PERFECT for getting back to the grind, whatever your grind may be. Mercury is our mental energy and intellectual prowess, and with superhero Mars in its corner, our brains (and our mouths!) become our superpower. So let it flap open because you might save the world.🌎

  • The moon is friendly with Mars, Mercury and the sun in the 1 p.m. hour, and then Saturn at 7:18 p.m. If there were ever a day when you could trust your gut, now would be it. You are getting the right signals, and you can trust your emotions to process them before your cognitive mind.

  • Finally, the sun and Mercury meet up at 9:40 p.m., so now your SOUL wants to talk, too. Have a heart-to-heart with someone else or yourself (usually makes no difference to me).

Wednesday 9/4

  • The day opens on two of the most dramatic planets, Venus and Neptune, who are having a major row at 7:27 a.m. Neptune is the higher octave of Venus—much like Uranus to Mercury. (In the format of analogy problems, it goes Venus : Neptune :: Mercury : Uranus.) So this morning—and really, the whole day—is not the best for anything aesthetic, like a haircut or new eyeliner or experimenting with your art. Just wait it out until the next day.

  • The moon is void of course from 6:58 a.m. to 11:08 p.m., so use this day for finishing up projects or itineraries already in motion. Any changes now are pretty much doomed, so just stick to the plan as-is.

Thursday 9/5

  • At 8:37 a.m., Mercury trines Saturn, which means that our minds are on our money, our productivity, and our 5-year plan. This is an excellent morning to chart goals for the long or near term. Or both.

  • After 8 p.m., the moon is fighting with both Mars and the sun, which can be an emotionally volatile time. Passive aggressive tensions simmering under the surface may want to come out, but it’s best to avoid a confrontation if you can. Avoid humans and release your anger in some other format (like punching pillows or crying in the shower or scream-singing to Moana, not that I have ever…).

Friday 9/6

  • Around 7 a.m. and 12 p.m., moon is cranky at Venus and Neptune, respectively, As with Wednesday, it’s best to avoid any decisions that may affect your looks or your art. With regard to love—be careful about being misled by someone sexy. The stronger your romantic attachment, the rosier your spectacles. You may not be able to help feeling swept away, but you can refuse to sign anything (I hope they are not making you sign something!) or make binding promises until the weekend, at least.

  • The sun and Saturn are graciously holding the door for one another at 5:56 p.m., lending you some practical instincts and the skills to compete and win. You are a formidable talent and shouldn’t be wasting your time on anything trivial tonight.

  • At 11:44 p.m., Venus and Pluto are very much getting along, making it sexy for all of us. Together, these two unite the power of love with the power of POWER. Pluto roots us in our darkest and deepest desires, and Venus makes it romantic. If seducing someone was on your to-do list, this is the cosmic opportunity you’ve been waiting for. 💋

Saturday 9/7

  • A calm day with the moon in practical, stable Capricorn. Finally.

Sunday 9/8

  • Yikes. The sun and Jupiter are squaring each other at 11:27 a.m., which means luck is not on our side. Expect to be irked by delayed travel, out of the blue requests, or unsolicited criticisms that you really didn’t ask for. Make sure you are emotionally prepared to (politiely) say no. Otherwise you could impulsively overpromise and set yourself up for underdelivering.

  • Besides that unpleasantness, the moon is pretty much good with Mars, Saturn, the sun, Neptune, Mercury, and Pluto all day! That’s basically… everything, so do whatever you want today! (I mean, do whatever you want every day, obviously.)

  • And then at 11:07 p.m., Mercury trines Pluto, which gives some power and seriousness to your thoughts and words. Whether you’re writing an investigative report or a text, you’ll unearth the truth. And if you’ve been running from the truth, it’ll catch you!