The lies we tell our peers

Happy Groundhog Day

It’s summer!

No, it’s extremely not, but I wanted to open with an attention-getting lie. Are lies even fun anymore? I never went through that phase during age 6-8 where we would propagate obvious falsehoods about our lives. “My mom gives me $1,000 a week for allowance.” “I starred in Home Alone.” “I am a princess.” That last one was mine, but it wasn’t a lie to me—it seemed true, citation not needed.

That little above paragraph is the ONLY personal indulgence I will make you sit through to get to my world-class analysis and horoscopes for the week ahead, below. I have discipline. I am a grown-up. For everyone who is an Aquarius rising in this year of 2021, maturity and personal revolution is our theme (because we have Jupiter and Saturn there all year—Saturn to stay through March 2023).

Saturn is in its dignity in Aquarius—it’s the sign’s ancient ruler, so it likes being there. Maybe more than Capricorn, even. Saturn in Aquarius is when you live up to your public relations. Saturn in Aquarius comes with a wrecking ball, but also a blueprint. This isn’t just shake-up-your-shit rebellion for LOLs (Joker*). It builds more than it destroys (Promising Young Woman).

But also Mercury went into retrograde in this VERY sign I speak of, so it’s a give-and-take. Aquarius is the sign of genius and progress so this should be an ideal placement for a planet that represents cognition and communication. And it’s a fabulous placement, but remember two things:

1. Aquarius doesn’t mind fucking with you.

2. Mercury in retrograde is COMPELLED to fuck with you.

It’s like, you’ll have 12 tabs open, all of which you love EQUALLY, and then your computer overheats and all those delicious articles for your brain are gone forever. And that’s best case scenario. Back up your files, double check emails before you hit send, don’t talk shit about people. You may not be able to control the narrative should you be misunderstood. This is great advice, I hope I take it!

* I have not seen Joker, and I think it’s still okay that I made this comparison. More importantly, I have seen PYW as many times as the rental would allow, and my point that it offers a more generative than destructive (or self-destructive) world is arguable, not absolute. But would love to chat with anyone who has a different take!

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These World-Class Horoscopes

OMG finally, and time zones are, of course, Eastern. I live in New York, and for that, I apologize!

Monday 2.1

• This day is almost over, but the theme is—air sign energy is winning. Here’s what happened… (LOL)

• The moon moved into Libra, and then Venus entered Aquarius. They will join Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn, and of course, the sun, as it is Aquarius season. It’s a VERY Aquarius Aquarius season, with all these clowns crowded into the sign.

• The air signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) are the main character. They are abstract, intellectual, and forward-looking, and their influence tends to put us in our heads and in our devices. Although that cannot be good for the long-term, it feels like a trend I don’t want to oppose in a pandemmy. Happiness is not in our phones—but it’s not anywhere else either.

  

Tuesday 2.2

• It is Groundhog Day and also Groundhog Decade.

• The Libra moon wakes up in a very cozy trine to the sun at around 6 a.m., which sets the stage for harmony all around today.

• Then it goes void at 10:15 p.m. Don’t make plans after that point, not that you were going to…

• This is an extremely undramatic Tuesday—let’s embrace that.

Wednesday 2.3

• The moon is in Scorpio, which is intense, but we accept it. Also Scorpio might be full of feelings, but it presents as chill on the surface. No shallow analysis today—if you’ve already seen one thousand tweets or headlines with the same take, refine your take.

• Trouble ahead. The moon is squaring Venus and then Saturn at 1:55 p.m. and 6:47 p.m., respectively. Squares are irritants, the opposite of a “no tears” formula shampoo in our eyes. Venus represents our relations with others, our money, and our harmony in the world. Saturn represents the resources that are available to us. You may be denied something you want, and it will vex you. You’ll probably be fine (I actually have no idea! Very presumptuous!), but the potential for frustration is high.

• Then the moon opposes Uranus at 8:57 p.m. I would not schedule anything at this time, and leave a wide berth. Uranus is volatility and surprises, and oppositions represent sparring with another person. Watch a movie and escape through the usual channels of digital numbing out. You were probably going to do that anyway.

  

Thursday 2.4

• A grumpy fucking start with the moon opposing Mars at 9:51 a.m. and then squaring the sun at 12:37 p.m. It’s Thursday morning, so you may have no choice, but I would not speak to too many people this morning. If you’re in a meeting, it’s not the time to pipe up, because the moon at odds with Mars and the sun is going to feel like a vice for your ego. You will want to want to say something at the EXACT moment when you should shut the fuck up. I don’t know who will win, but probably not me.

• But then it’s better later! The moon is trining Neptune at 6:11 p.m., which is so soothing and anesthetizing and frankly everything we needed to escape the day.

  

Friday 2.5

• The moon moves into Sagittarius at 12:16 p.m., which gives us a perk of optimism. Like a matcha latte! (OMG somebody stop me!)

• Then the moon is making lovely aspects to Venus and Saturn at around 10 p.m., which could be extremely useful for creative pursuits or even job hunting, or I don’t know… let’s put capitalism aside. It’s FRIDAY NIGHT, and while I have no doubt that weekends have ceased to exist for many, many people, and perhaps never did exist for still more, this is still a pleasant planetary night. It’s NICE when Venus and Saturn sit in harmony with each other, because Saturn is like tut-tut, can’t have that, and Venus is like, no go ahead, I made extra. So it’s nice when they are both like, fine, yes, we’re here for you. I cannot imagine doing even one fun thing under the rule of this virus, but maybe you'll have a nice dinner, a hot tea, a soothing bubble bath, and you'll feel rooted in the acceptance of the moment presented to you.

  

Saturday 2.6

• The moon will sweetly sextile Jupiter and the sun, which is friendly and buoyant and charming. Could be nice all day!

• But not all night. The moon also squares Neptune at 9:40 p.m., which is a downer, and may set the scene for a rather hopeless night. Neptune is scary because it represents belief, glamour, meaning, hope. It’s not a personal planet, and it’s daily movements and aspects are probably not going to hit you directly—although it could, and for me it has absolutely ruined my life on two occasions—but it’s a fundamental source of serotonin. So you might notice when it dips.

• Venus squaring Uranus at 10:33 p.m is cranky. Venus, the planet of diplomacy, is secretly a fighter when it’s ruffled, and Uranus is like, out to ruffle. I have one fingernail—my left pointer—that I just absolutely bite down to the nub whenever I am stressed, aka Sunday through Friday, and then it is allowed to grow back on Saturdays. I feel like the agita of this aspect is going to ruin the progress I’ve made with fortifying biotin supplements.

  

Sunday 2.7

• The moon is void until it enters prestigious Capricorn at 3:52 p.m.

• A fine day for getting mundane errands done and even being mentally present during them.