The Virgos are here 🌾

And they're already complaining

Two things that probably bother Virgos

In honor of Virgo season, which begins today, I wanted to complain. Twice.

  1. The phrase “global pandemic”: This is redundant. The word “pandemic” already implies a global scale. Otherwise it’d just be an epidemic.

    It sounds good, I get it. The extra “global” adds heft and geography to a horrendous tragedy that deserves all the italics and bolding we can possibly lend it. But… it’s an unnecessary modifier, and I notice every time someone says it, especially if they are speaking from a lofty perch. And the loftiest of all, perhaps, was Michelle Obama at the DNC.

    (She says it at minute 3:55, and technically she’s not talking about the coronavirus, but what Ebola could have been without her husband’s policies in place. Still.)

  2. The reality of a global pandemic: Of course this pisses off Virgos (and everyone) the most! 🤮

Now for your regularly scheduled weekly horoscopes

All times, as always, are Eastern.

Sunday 8/23

Monday 8/24

Tuesday 8/25

  • A Sagittarius moon, bringing out the wandering instincts in all of us.

  • Mercury and Uranus, who are really progressions of each other, are perfectly happy together at 11:17 a.m. You will be adept at quickly translating sudden insights into compelling arguments. In other words, you’re Elle Woods.

  • Wait. Fuck. Okay, so problem #1: the moon squares the sun at 1:58 p.m., which is like a full moon, only pettier. Full moons are oppositions that culminate building tensions, sometimes releasing them with violence and conflict. But squares are just… agita. Massive irritations. Dissonance. It brings out the finicky asshole in us all. But at least this aspect will pass quickly, since the moon moves fast. So one cranky lunch, and you’re done.

  • But you’re not done. I cannot believe I thought this was going to be a good day. There’s problem #2, and it’s bigger. Venus opposes Jupiter at 6:26 p.m., which is love and luck at odds with each other in a big way. Venus is our ability to be charming, beautiful, and diplomatic. It’s the smaller benefic, a planet that brings good news and better gifts. The problem is that it’s directly confronting Jupiter, the larger benefic, Santa Claus, who enables us to do things and inspire others with half the effort it really requires. Jupiter is beginner’s luck, the kiss o’ the Irish—a knife when you actually need a knife!

  • My point is, this is bad time to get a new haircut or plan a new venture with a friend or go on a sexy walk with someone. Ugh.

    reese witherspoon legally blonde gif | WiffleGif

Wednesday 8/26

  • A fine day, just watch out for a little disconnect between dreams and reality around 7:44 p.m. when the moon and Neptune square off. Don’t believe everything you believe…

confused eugene levy GIF by Schitt's Creek

Thursday 8/27

Friday 8/28