Where has all the panzanella gone? 🍅
Sung to the tune of Paula Cole's "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?"
It’s been five years. And yet, there continue to be days, and those days will have planets, and those planets will move into certain positions relative to each other, and someone—me—should try to make sense of it.
Bless me, father, I am only writing because a quorum of lovers and friends and ex-lovers and even ex-friends have said, Kiki, you should write again, and you can only hear that so much without finally doing it. Even those who do not wish me well have to admit, she’s got a voice. It is especially apropos to use it now, during Venus retrograde, a time of returning to old loves.
Venus is retrograde, and I don’t particularly care for it
Is everyone feeling the twisted influence of this particular Venusian retreat, which began on July 22 and will run though September 3? I am probably on record somewhere saying that Venus retrograde is much more fearsome than “Retrograde (Mercury’s Version),” which begins this very day, August 23, and ends September 15, thus overlapping brutally with Venus. So far, I have experienced the following consequences:
exes coming back,
new romantic prospects flaming out with humiliating speed,
friend breakups that should have happened a long time ago (unless you believe God’s timing is always right, but I think it’s wrong a lot),
friend renaissances (frenaissances, I thought of saying but decided against),
lifelong errands getting crossed off the list (I have now consumed a Nathan’s hot dog at New York’s own Coney Island),
damn near impossible to procure a decent panzanella in this city,
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun playing everywhere (retrograde for being literally retro),
things that are easy for others(?) are hard for me (writing this newsletter),
more bad hair days,
food taking a longer time to digest (that might just be the hot dog).
Venus retrograde takes what we want and fucks it up. Mercury retrograde, in contrast, only disturbs matters of thinking, communicating, technology—nothing real1! Venus is where we spend our money and energy and hearts. Venus represents what we would die to protect (my Eileen Fisher wrap cardigans, my glass dildos, my fashion coffee table books). Venus expands and sharpens our capacity for appreciation, enabling us to better understand who and what looks good in our lives.
In the absence of a fully operational, propulsive Venus, we will inevitably misallocate. We will spend money on sweaters that shrink in the wash, and we will sink hours and miles of hermeneutic labor into unwinnable fights with people who powerfully do not love us. (Note, I don’t totally agree with this and still think I won.) Also—look at every celebrity couple divorcing this summer.
I think the way out of Venus retrograde is not through but up—it’s just not that deep, man. Venus is a sexy little trifle; it will slap your wrist for building sandcastles of meaning to explain what is ultimately… sand. The shallowest reasons are the ones that govern; relationships can dissolve because someone used too many gerunds in bed or missed the Obamas too much or burned the incense they bought for your birthday. And people can swing back into mix with a sweet text, a hug, and one very good shirt—to replace the sweater.
Horoscopes for the week
Here is the good stuff. All times are Eastern because I live in New York.
Wednesday, August 23
It is the birthday of my dear sister, the original intended audience for this newsletter.
I wish I had better news for her. While it is lovely that the sun will enter Virgo, Mercury, also in Virgo, goes retrograde at 3:59 p.m. You all are almost certainly already feeling the effects—misunderstandings, fucked up typos, emails sent to the wrong recipients, glitching phones, bad reception, people unable to hear you properly even though you are using your diaphragm, changed plans only to change back, but after it’s too late to be convenient, etc. This will go on. I’m sorry.
In the wee late hours, the Scorpio moon will make a friendly sextile angle to Mars in Virgo and Pluto in Capricorn (though retrograde). You may be sleeping, and I pray you are, but if not and the opportunity so presents itself, not a bad time to have sex.
Thursday, August 24
The moon is in feisty Sagittarius, which will give you the guts and guile to survive what may be a challenging day.
At 11:29 a.m., the moon will square Saturn in Pisces, which may manifest as a struggle against authority or a feeling of being constrained by one’s duties. Truly, I feel this way at all times! That is the only reason I am not dreading it.
By the evening, we will taste freedom. At 8:23 p.m., Mars in Virgo forms a beautiful trine to Pluto in Capricorn, which is especially significant because Mars and Pluto represent variations on the same theme—power. Again, I am recommending having sex or doing whatever makes you feel in your power.
Friday, August 25
I love when I can say this—it will be a chill Friday!
The moon remains in optimistic, free-range Sagittarius and only has one snag—it squares Mercury in Virgo at 6:43 p.m. That is not the time for a tough dinner talk. If you have a serious discussion planned with someone that evening, either cancel it or resign yourself to having a protracted, repetitive, potentially excruciating evening. With retrograde Mercury involved, it may be a conversation that gets rehashed a few more times before it finally resolves.
Saturday, August 26
If you are up early, trend softly in the 8 a.m. hour. Starting at 7:56 a.m., the moon squares Mars in Virgo and goes void of course—which is like “Retrograde (Moon’s Version)” (sorry about making this joke a second time and probably not a third time). Your energy may feel sapped beyond what matcha (or, for you people, coffee) can recover, and if you have the choice between going back to bed or pushing forth, I’d recommend hitting the snooze button.
The moon moves into competent Capricorn at 9:05 a.m., grounding us with the fortitude necessary to do whatever couldn’t be done early.
It only gets better. The moon forms a delightful trine with the Virgo sun at 2:39 p.m. and then a sweet sextile with Saturn in Pisces at 3:39 p.m., all of which is to say it will be a lovely and even creatively fertile afternoon, should you choose to till that soil. Go out, enjoy nature, enjoy friendship, if you can. You may not be able to, of course, but it will not be for the moon.
Sunday, August 27
I like the looks of this day.
Nevermind, I looked again.
Mars enters Libra, the sign of its detriment, at 9:20 a.m. What that means: Libra naturally sits opposite of Mars’ rulership, Aries, so when Mars is in Libra, it’s pretty uncomfortable and as far from home as it can get. Mars wants to act, to seek out its enemies and pierce their hearts, etc. And Libra is… Gwyneth Paltrow. First of all, Libra is ruled by Venus, which, recall, is retrograde right now, and, more importantly, concerns itself with all things gorgeous, harmonious, and beautiful. The pulsing hot organs of felled soldiers are not what Libra is about. Libra doesn’t fuck and fight the same way Aries does—it makes love and negotiates agreements. But like Gwyneth and all the other ruthless billionaires born under this sign, Libra is no less shrewd and terrifying. With Mars in Libra until October 12, it will be an interesting (read: unbalanced and explosive) time for Libras, probably the other two air signs, Gemini and Aquarius, and anyone fortunate (read: condemned) to love them.
Otherwise, the cool Capricorn moon is sitting pretty in a harmonious trine to Jupiter, Mercury, and Uranus throughout the rest of the day. All things considered—meaning, in spite of the concurrent retrogrades Mercury and Venus—this Sunday is another generative one, ripe for good company and better food. It’s not the end of summer yet, and we may all get the panzanella fairy tale ending we deserve. 🧚🏻♀️
Obviously these are real things with material second-order impacts, though abstract and intangible at the source. I was only exaggerating to keep it interesting.
Yippee, Kiki’s back!