Happy Mean Girls Day 😈

October 3rd is worth celebrating this year 🎉

“When did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody?”

It’s not okay for one person to be the boss of everybody. Thank you, Gretchen Weiners. Power should never go unchecked, and the heavier your tiara, the higher your standard of accountability. Should you be flagrant and irresponsible with your elevated perch, you shall be knocked down to earth.

That reckoning can come, astrologically speaking, through many different planetary forces. But this Mean Girls Day, three major events will lead this revolution.

  1. Pluto stations direct in Capricorn

October 3rd will crystallize a shift that’s been brewing since April. Pluto, planet of power disparities, possessiveness, and desire, was retrograde and will station direct this Thursday.

october lyn GIF

Pluto is the poison that rots society from the inside out and must be eliminated, flung to the furthest corners of the Solar System. That’s why he’s out there all alone. He represents the ultimate exile for betrayal.

The stakes with Pluto are as high as they get, and he usually governs huge generational and societal shifts. Pluto is not associated with straight up revolution—that’s Uranus’ gig—but he’s about longer-term change. He’s about transformation, like a coal into diamond, and it can’t be brought about by any great charismatic leader and new marketing lingo. It’s pressure and time and nothing else. 💎

Right now, Pluto is in Capricorn. He has been since 2008, and he will be until 2024. This gives us some clue about how he’s applying that time and pressure I discussed. Capricorn is the sign of order, accountability, tradition, and laws. No one can sit above it, and those who try—especially by way of guile, profligacy, or megalomania. Saturn is sober and wants you to remember that resources are scarce. If you’re wasteful, manipulative, and high on your own drama, you will be rudely awakened. And summarily fired.

I wrote this longer piece on why I’m scared of Pluto! 🎃💀

Pluto Wants You to Open Your Hand

Pluto is a horror villain, showing up like a bright-eyed psychopath who smiles and says nothing. He won’t leave. And you don’t know what he wants because he won’t tell you, but you can feel him watching you, like a creep, sniffing out whatever it is you don’t want to give up.

Millennials are born with their Plutos in the home sign of Scorpio, which reinforces this notion of digging to the root of a problem and unearthing the truth.

Scorpio is followed by Sagittarius, which is where Gen Z’s Plutos reside. Sagittarius is the most optimisic sign with the highest ambitions of influence. As a pair, Scorpio and Sagittarius behave like a slingshot—Scorpio builds tension and pulls us back into the eye of the dysfunction, and Sagittarius, feeling the freedom and release of the truth, can aim and shoot with all the strength in the world. Sagittarius is the embodiment of being unencumbered—they find liberation in disclosure, truthfulness, transparency, and letting go of everything Scorpio was holding onto.

Millennials and Gen Z together have important work on our hands. We are the first digital generations, and our tools of information, surveillance, and discovery are more powerful than humans have ever known. We are unusually equipped to investigate and surface painful truths that sit at the heart of our societies. We are revealing the viruses that made a comfortable home in our world. And they are fighting back with all the vigor of something that is going to die. And we are publishing it, spreading ideas, growing more ambitious with our demands.

  1. Mercury enters Scorpio

Mercury is only ever one sign away from wherever the sun is, and on October 3rd, he will speed past Libra and into Scorpio. When Mercury is in Scorpio, not only does the truth tend to come out, but it can be articulated in a way that precipitates great change. So Pluto’s forward momentum (and transformational agenda) will only be magnified and reinforced by the powerful communicative talents of Mercury. All the canaries will SING. 🦜

  1. Mars enters Libra

And, as if October 3rd wasn’t a big enough day, Mars will also enter Libra (technically after midnight that night).

Mars and Libra have a (sexually) tense relationship, as Mars rules over Libra’s opposite, Aries. When planets move into their sign’s opposite, they are said to be in their detriment.

A sign can provide four kinds of placements for a planet:

  1. Dignity (a planet in its home sign, comfortable, happy, relaxing)

  2. Exaltation (a planet in a sign that elevates that planet’s power)

  3. Detriment (a planet cranky in its sign’s opposite)

  4. Fall (a planet in its absolute worst position, literally falling down)

So in this case, Mars is not comfortable in Libra’s turf. He’s unable to exercise dominion because he has no dominion here. He has to play by Libra’s rules—amiability, diplomacy, cooperation—which are the total antithesis of his own. This means that his power is diminished, and so are the things we get from Mars during his stay in Libra. That means our motivation, physical stamina, and willpower may be compromised. It’s not a good time to strain our bodies or have surgery. And popping off when we’re angry will likely not be received well (even if we’re right). We’ve just got to take it like a Libra and make nice.

Bonus: I made a little chart that identifies all the various placements for each planet. I’m pretty mad that Gemini has no position wherein it is exalted. We’re kind of fairy-like, so maybe I could say our baseline is in exaltation, but you and I know the sad truth. 🧚🏻‍♀️


Horoscopes for every day besides October 3rd!

All the above news was JUST for Thursday. Here’s what’s going on the rest of the week. All times are Eastern.

Monday 9/30

  • Remember last Tuesday the 24th? On that day, the moon squared Uranus, planet of invention and disruption and progress. And squaring is a tough aspect—a lot of news shook out that day that leveled many in power (CEOs were fired, whistleblowers came forward, etc.). It caused a lot of mess, but Uranus always does. He is not efficient. He is an idealist, and if society is incubating some rot that must be removed, he’s not going to care about preserving good tissue when conducting his extraction. He wants that zit to POP. Out with the old; violently, irrevocably.

  • Anyway, I don’t know how it felt to you, but we have a potentially more volatile aspect between the Scorpio moon and Uranus today at 2:55 p.m. Same issues will be raised—old vs. new, erratic changes—but the difference is that oppositions typically play out in our personal lives as conflict with another person (rather than a system or oneself). I’m not saying you should anticipate an explosive battle with someone else. It’s Uranus; you’ll never see it coming! 😱

Tuesday 10/1

  • This is what I’m talking about. The Scorpio moon is in good favor with Neptune, planet of divine inspiration and glamour, and Pluto, planet of power dynamics and deep desires. You may find yourself comfortably in need of no one but your own good company. You are your own generative source of entertainment and enlightenment. 💡

Wednesday 10/2

  • The moon is void of course (aka retrograde, de-fanged, half asleep) starting at 7:44 a.m., so I wouldn’t schedule anything important all day. No interviews, no kick-offs, no haircuts, no first dates. But great day to catch up on errands, old projects, or ongoing relationships.

Thursday 10/3

  • SEE ABOVE!

  • Also—there’s a delightful gift in the middle of the day when the Sagittarius moon conjuncts Jupiter at 4:40 p.m. This is a particularly lucky aspect, so if you’re inclined to take any gambles (interpret that as broadly as you like), go for it. 🏹

Friday 10/4

  • The Capricorn moon squares Mars at 2:26 p.m., which means you could have friction with someone close to you or with an authority figure. Walk away from any tension you sense building around that time.

  • On the flip side, the moon is also making nice with Mercury at 5:52 p.m., so that’s your opportunity to talk it out.

Saturday 10/5

  • The Capricorn moon is cranky at the sun at 12:47 p.m. You may feel put upon by responsibilities (perhaps an abundance of chores) or an overwhelmingly serious mood. Don’t feel bad about not wanting to see people today. Nothing wrong with a Saturday by yourself with your to-do list.

Sunday 10/6

  • Little bit of a tough aspect with the moon and Venus at odds at 7:25 p.m. I wouldn’t do anything romantic or buy anything big online. Don’t seek out an expensive or aesthetic experience. This is not a Sunday for beautification. Some Sundays are, but not this one.

Libra season: an explosion of romance 💕🌸🌼🌷😍

Live, Laugh, Libra

How dare I skip a week?!

I’ll just leave that there as an accountability headline and move on.

More importantly, Libra season begins today!!! 🧚‍♀️✨

Holland'S Next Top Model Daila Barneveld GIF by RTL 5

Some notes on Libra 📝

  • Libras are the people who make everything nice. (Actually, Virgos do all the grunt work ahead of time that actually makes things nice, but Libras swoop in with the charm and the grace and get all the credit.)

  • Libras are both basic and bitches. The basicness comes in the form of superficiality and worship for whatever’s popular (I will contradict this later—look out for it!), and the bitchiness is their (not-so-)secret competitiveness that they cloak in the velvet of their diplomacy.

  • I have never met a Libra, even ones I didn’t get along with, who didn’t find something beautiful about me to compliment. They see the beauty in EVERYTHING, even their enemies.

  • Speaking of enemies, their sector of the zodiac wheel is the 7th house, which rules over both marriage partnerships and OPEN enemies. Wow, what a statement on love and war, right?

  • Something they share with their predecessors, Virgos: a love of purity. But Virgos will dirty themselves trying to get clean and Libras are way more princessy about it. They are nice, but they are definitely too good.

  • Libras are famous for their indecision—but when they finally do decide on something, there’s no going back. That is how they can be both flaky and excellent at commitment at the same time.

  • They are the ONLY SIGN IN THE ENTIRE ZODIAC that is represented not with an animal or a person, but with an OBJECT. Which—three things:

    1. Their whole thing is vanity, and this is literally them being OBJECTIFIED, lol.

    2. They are COLD ASS. Freezing cold. Now, because Libras are talented at managing their public perception, this trait gets discussed as aloofness, which is a true and fair characterization. They are friendly and down to fall in love, but a little remote. Fine. But for a sign that is all about relationships and love and magic and art and all the soft and squishy things that exist between humans, they can be about as comforting as a speculum when they are NOT feeling a connection. Air signs like Libras (hi Geminis and Aquarians!) are untethered by physical constraints (earth), emotional bonds (water), or consuming passions (fire). They are the most free to roam but the least substantial. They cover the most ground but travel light. They are gorgeous birds who cannot be owned. And they have to be pretty cold to fly at those altitudes.

    3. The scales of JUSTICE. Libras are the law, and the law makes NO exceptions (or, at least, it’s not supposed to). Libras will weigh and weigh and weigh a decision, but once the verdict is out, there’s nothing that can be done to reverse it. Even a Libra can’t reverse it—that’s the beauty (and the stakes) of this sign. They hold the gavel but not the power. Ultimately, the law is inflexible and must sit above us all. To symbolize that rigidity and impartiality, they get a metal device for measurement. ⚖

During Libra season, let’s lean our faces into the frosting parts of life (we’ll eat the cake later during Scorpio season, you better believe it) because sometimes the crash is worth the sugar rush. 🍰🍭🍯

kirsten dunst girl GIF

The most Libra thing I’ve ever seen

Carly Rae Jepsen is not a Libra, but she might still be the queen of Libra aesthetics. She is a real life inamorata, a fairy princess, a walking talking tribute to the first blush of adolescent infatuation.

This video for “Want You in My Room” is the most Libra thing I've ever seen and heard and tasted and smelled. It’s about a woman getting ready for a hot date, and it opens up a whole world of pastel bathrobes and sparkly underwear and literal skipping. There’s nothing too complex here; its brilliance is in the simple syrup of sugary love.

What’s on display here is the unique exuberance of Libra v. a sign like Leo, who also revels in joy and connection and love. But while Leos get off on attaining and maintaining their power, Libras are all about negotiation, the willful surrender of some power that makes partnership possible. And that surrender itself can be highly empowering and enjoyable.

In other words—Libras are all about la petite mort. 🍒

(And Scorpios are all about le grand mort… 😈)


Baby Libras growing up 🐣♎

I’m pretty proud of this piece I wrote for Man Repeller that gets into the little victories of adulthood for each sign. In honor of Libra season, I came up with one more.

Bonus for Libra: You know you’re *actually* growing up when you like how you look in a cool but “unflattering” ensemble.

Libras get a reputation for being basic because you aim to people-please while maintain some playful vanity. But your creative instincts are not to be underestimated. Libras are air signs, the element of intellect. You don’t just like pretty things; you need art that makes you THINK. So when it comes to fashion, you may want to play with a lot of different silhouettes and styles—some of which may not “flatter” you according to traditional (and problematic) standards. It’s hard to undo the social conditioning that narrows our sense of beauty, but society’s myopia only limits your options for grandeur. A grown-up Libra will see only their own great taste reflected back when they don the wide-legged pants or v-neck romper they mistakenly thought they couldn’t pull off but are actually bringing to life.


Horoscopes for everyone including Libras 💖

As usual, all times are Eastern.

Monday 9/23

  • Libra season! 🎉

  • The Cancer moon directly opposes Pluto at around 1:21 p.m., so I would not fuck with someone with whom you have a major power disparity. I would never discourage you from resisting oppression and hierarchy, but lunchtime today is not your best opportunity to overthrow the regime.

  • At 6:05 p.m., the moon has a nice rapport with Mars and it goes void of course. So while you may be very motivated, it won’t be to tackle new projects. Use this aspect to clean out your to-do list and finally get that pumice stone or wood glue, etc.

Tuesday 9/24

  • The Leo moon and Libra sun are getting along at 7:13 a.m., so it’s probably (definitely) going to be an energetic and hopeful morning. This actually *is* the morning to work out early.

  • At 3:12 p.m., there’s weirdness between the moon and Uranus, which is already the planet of weirdness. You could feel a little aliented from yourself or others very close to you. This isn’t a great time to test waters or raise a risky topic. Stay humble and be conservative in your approach, both personally and at work.

  • Chatty Mercury and never-shuts-up Jupiter are having a marvelous (Mrs. Maisel) time together at 5:01 p.m., so treat the evening like the bon chance from the universe that it is. If someone invited you out, just go. Don’t worry about how all your work is going to get done—Jupiter and Mercury will together bless you with the mental dexterity (and possibly a more flexible deadline) needed to make everything happen like magic.

Wednesday 9/25

  • The Leo moon is very right with Venus, Jupiter, and Mercury this morning, and your interpersonal dealings will feel effortless and charmed. This is the day to text everyone back!

  • Luxury-obsessed Venus and practical Saturn are not in each other’s favor at 3:19 p.m., so do not spend money or get a haircut or pamper yourself. No retail therapy, no spa trip “self-care.” Keep it very puritan, eat your beans and rice, and check your bank account. Saturn likes to remind you that resources are limited and you must stay within your means.

Thursday 9/26

  • The Virgo moon and Uranus are freaks together at 3:53 p.m., which means give your weirdness some air time. Even if you’re just doing bits with coworkers, don’t be afraid to express the hot take or savage joke that you think only you will get. In this case, making more room for yourself will make room for others, too.

  • Mercury and Pluto are squaring off at 7:49 p.m., which means avoid all serious or consequential talks with anyone. That’s it! That’s power struggles + communication and that equals… I don’t know. But I don’t want to find out and I implore you to spare yourselves.

Friday 9/27

  • In the morning, the Virgo moon will oppose Neptune and square Jupiter. Neptune and Jupiter both have a few things in common—they are about belief and hope more than reality and cynicism. And when they are in a negative or challenging aspect to the moon (our emotions), as they are here, it can force us to confront the bullshit we’ve been buying that no longer makes sense. Letting go of our core storylines and fantasies can be one of the most psychologically (and sometimes physically) painful things to do. So this may be an unpleasant and bitter Friday morning.

  • However! Then in the afternoon and evening, the moon will trine Pluto and form a conjunction with Mars. Pluto and Mars have an analogous relationship to Neptune and Jupiter, only these two deal with power and self-determination. You can’t tell Pluto what to do (you shouldn’t even try), and Mars would rather draw swords than untangle a lengthy and tedious fight. But the energies of both planets are on our side, and we may find some healing through confrontation or physical expression, especially when we have been wronged or slighted. And if we haven’t, we will feel motivated and empowered to create a little reality of our own. It’s Friday night and we call the shots! (Pun intended if you want.) 🥃

Saturday 9/28

  • LIBRA NEW MOON! At 2:26 p.m., we have a conjunction between the sun and the moon in the sweet sign of Libra, also known as the Libra new moon. New moons like this one are openings from the universe for you to make your move and pursue what you want, whatever that may be. I like to make 10 wishes right at the moment it peaks, throwing a few to family members and friends who need it (and the world). This is an incredible time to wish for:

    • LOVE IN EVERY FORM

    • Artistic pursuits

    • Artistic COLLABORATIONS

    • New business ventures

    • Introductions to famous and powerful (and good!) people

    • Deals deals deals 💸

    • An overhaul of your look (aka Fall wardrobes creeping in)

    • Big romantic overtures like love poems or writing songs (this is a hint for anyone who has a crush on me)

    • Spa days

    • Evenings at the theatre (pronounced thee-AY-ter)

    • Quality time with friends 😎

  • Bonus: Venus (ruler of Libra) and Jupiter have a very compelling flirtation going on at 7:40 p.m., which keeps the good vibes going all night. This is one the BEST Saturdays I’ve ever seen. 🎉


That’s it, you glorious denizens of the stars! ✨

Harvest Moon coming to harvest tears 🌾🔪

The September full moon is the scariest of the year 😂😭

The Harvest Moon on Septmber 14

The Harvest Moon is the name given to the full moon that occurs in September. It sounds nice, like maybe a treat is on its way.

cake GIF

But this full moon will be no piece of cake. 🍰 I admit that it snuck up on me. I wrote about it last year for InStyle in a round-up of all the major 2019 full moons, and I totally forgot to lose my mind worrying about it until now. Here’s what I said from my safe perch of 2018:

September 14: Harvest Moon

The Harvest Moon this year is in Pisces, the sign of imagination and artistic vision. So the emotions we will be “harvesting” may completely surprise us. Full moons usually culminate issues that have been stirring for a while, meaning we tend to see them coming. But Pisces moons can make us feel like we’re in another world entirely. That can lead to our most profound insights or our most self-destructive choices — sometimes both.

It’s not all bad news. The Harvest Moon will coincide with two other planetary movements: Mercury and Venus entering Libra. Mercury and Venus govern how we think and how we love, respectively, and Libra is the sign of cerebral beauty. This placement tends to elicit prolific creative output and actionable, profitable ideas; that can offset some of the dreamy volatility of the Pisces moon. If you feel yourself getting carried away on an emotional current, let your rational mind to guide you back to shore.

That may sound manageable, but now that it’s imminent, here’s a breakdown of my (irrational) fears related to this full moon:

  1. Full moon, whatever. Endings, tensions, culminations. Got it.

  2. Mars opposing Neptune. Yikes, that pits two very passionate planets (one ruling our drive and motivations, the other our spirituality and escapism) against each other. When Mars is in a bad place, it can bring anger, touchiness, explosive arguments, and even violence. When Neptune is compromised, we become susceptible to self-deception and manipulation by others. This is not a combination I look forward to!

  3. Mercury and Venus moving into Libra. At least this is nice. Harmony and peace abound with a Libran influence, and Mercury and Venus rule how we think and how we relate to others. This gives us a fighting chance for mended fences when all the rubble settles. At the very least, we will see things clearly and be open to compromise. At the very best, so will everyone you’re dealing with.

  4. Mercury and Venus opposing the full moon. Unfortunately, later in the day (7:34 to 9:08 p.m.) both of these planets are opposing the moon, too. So whatever *issue* is brought up by this full moon, we’ll have Mercury and Venus working for the enemy.

🦄✨🎈 My optimistic takeaway 🌈🌞🌻

Now that I’ve aroused your fear, let me backpedal a little.

The thing about challenging, shitty events like a full moon is that they only fuck with you if there's something to fuck with. Full moons sniff out weakness to protect us from betrayal down the line. It wants us to break ties that won’t hold if we lean on them. So it puts pressure on us, sometimes right where it hurts the most. If we survive, we’re stronger than before. And if we don’t, we needed to let go anyway, and better now than later.

When the planets move through their orbits and form angles to each other, they create lines of cosmic DNA that form the picture of who we are—astrologically speaking. And like our real DNA, most of it is never expressed; it simply exists as unrealized potential. Our environment shapes what comes out—our choices, our restrictions, or resources, our relationships, our communities, etc. So even big scary moons like this Harvest Moon may pass you by without incident. You may not notice it, because maybe there’s nothing in your life it wants to activate. In which case, have fun, hang ten, and be nice to anyone around you who is going through it. 🌺


Horoscopes for a fine week except for the Harvest Moon

All times, as always, are Eastern.

Monday 9/9

  • This is a day of amendments and corrections. Checking back over your work and finally getting it right. The moon is void of course from 4:30 a.m. until it moves into cool Aquarius at 5:24 p.m., so you know the rules: no new endeavors, no big meaty conversations, no job interviews, no submissions, no pitches, no kick-off meetings, no launches. Yes to continuing projects already in motions, yes to clarifying your feelings after a misunderstanding. These are the days I plow through my to-do lists, and it is deeply satisfying. (It’s Virgo season, get into it. 🤓)

Tuesday 9/10

  • A pretty calm day, overall, but the morning will be challenged with fights between the sun and Neptune at 3:24 a.m. and the moon and Uranus at 5:57 a.m.

  • The sun-square-Neptune aspect messes with our ability to see things clearly and puts us at odds with our desires. Make arrangements in advance to avoid any triggers for bad habits or addictions.

  • The moon-square-Uranus aspect might spring something unpleasant and shocking on us. With Uranus, you can’t prepare, but you can do your best to soothe yourself, stretch out a little, sniff some lavender oil, and generally try to go slack in order to better absorb the impact of whatever is about to hit. Uranus ultimately provokes us so that we loosen up, so get as loosey goosey as you can. Or else.

Wednesday 9/11

  • The moon is void of course all day starting at 1:22 a.m., although it’s making a nice aspect to lucky Jupiter at that very minute. Another great day to make incremental progress, and with Jupiter helping you out, you’ll feel especially optimisic about what you’ve accomplished. 🤩

Thursday 9/12

  • This day is all about stretching your mind, not your body. (Not that they are really so different, but you know.)

  • At 5:06 a.m., Mars and Jupiter are not getting along, so any hasty or impulsive actions will not go well. Avoid working out or doing anything physically challening this morning, because Mars rules over your body and kinesthetic expression, and with Jupiter at a bad angle, luck is not on your side. Caution and patience are your friends.

  • Then the moon enters dreamy, emotional, intuitive Pisces at 5:52 a.m., where it will be during the full moon. It begins!

  • Later, the moon and inventive Uranus are getting along at 6:27 p.m., which is an excellent time for inspiration, new ideas, stimulating conversations. That’s what I’m talking about.

Friday 9/13

  • A lot going on.

  • The moon is in a GOOD relationship with Saturn, Neptune, and Pluto, which bodes well for getting things done and channeling your creativity and drive into practical action.

  • But the moon is NOT in a good relationship with Jupiter, Mars, and the sun, which means we may feel a little disconnected from our bodies, push ourselves too hard and not realize it, and overestimate what we can get away with.

  • Mercury conjunct Venus at 11:12 a.m. means you have an incredible opportunity to say or write something meaningful, beautiful, funny, clear, exquisite, unprecedented, etc. This is the power of communication joining hands with the power of love so get ready to get POETIC. Seduce someone if you want. With this aspect, it’ll be easy. 💖

  • Sun and Pluto getting cozy at 3:38 p.m. is a very powerful grounding aspect. It roots your ego and soul to your deepest well of need, helping you be effective at getting what you want. When your light and dark sides are working together in such harmony, there’s no ceiling on what you could create. So just act as though you cannot fail. Act as though there isn’t a full moon coming up!

Saturday 9/14:

  • FULL HARVEST MOON. 🌕

Sunday 9/15

  • The Aries moon will fight with stodgy Saturn at 10:29 p.m., so you may feel the weight of an authority figure coming down on you—or perhaps your own disappointment turned inward. This aspect can be quite a recipe for Sunday scaries, so I will be coping by doing all my anxiety chores on Saturday instead. Then I can have a pure, uncomplicated, focused meltdown on Sunday, just as Saturn intended.


Thank you for tuning in! See you next week, and if there’s something you’d like to hear about astrologically, or if you have a question about your own chart, let me know. 🍃

September invites you to be perfect 👼

F*cking up is not an option

September 🐰🐰

I woke up this morning and said, “rabbit rabbit,” because it’s the first of the month. Sometimes I don’t remember, but there was no way I was going to f*ck it up during Virgo season.

Reality Tv Dont Fuck It Up GIF

Every astrological season is an invitation to indulge in the utopian vision of that sign. In Virgo, the pitch is to be perfect, to find salvation in grit. Virgo season says, what could we achieve if we LOVED organization and hard work? What if you were religious about your daily habits? What if you were just obsessed with working hard?

emily blunt desk GIF

These are not questions I’m so interested in answering year-round, but they have a time and a place—or at least a time. And that time is now.


🚨 We just had a Virgo new moon 🚨

Don’t forget that we’re still in the post-orgasmic afterglow of a very nice new moon in Virgo on August 30!

meg ryan orgasm GIF

That means it’s not too late to at least PRETEND we’re going to introduce some healthy new habits for back-to-school time—stretching, wiping down surfaces every other day, replacing your dead plants, rolling over your 401(k), pumicing your feet, etc. It’ll be super easy if you think hard work is easy!


Horoscopes for what will be quite a week

You’ll see. All times Eastern.

Sunday 9/1

  • This is an amazing day. At 10:10 a.m., Mercury trines Uranus, which is about the best thing Mercury could ever do to your anus. Mercury and Uranus are birds of a feather, with Uranus being the next generation of the former. Mercury is smart; Uranus is brilliant. Mercury likes change; Uranus is obsessed with the future. Mercury is a prankster; Uranus will pack up your whole life and drown it in a river because it dreamt you could be living a better life. When these two are in sync, you get their best powers—brilliance, wit, invention, originality. It’s not necessarily only creative energy, either. This isn’t just about art, but problem solving, systems at large (like oppressive institutions in our culture that need to die!), technology, business, etc. Definitely you’ll have an impulse to talk shit, but you may end up talking to the right people.

  • Venus and Saturn get along at 2:48 p.m., making our afternoons productive, harmonious, and beautiful. Saturn asks us to do more with less, and Venus makes it so that we can do it with ease and beauty. In other words, austerity but make it fashion.

Monday 9/2

  • The sun and Mars frockling together at 6:43 a.m. make for a fun and flirty Labor Day. You’ll feel physically expressive, optimistic, and full of energy like a little puppy, so find another pup to run with. 🐶

  • Venus and Jupiter are the benefic planets, the ones who give us our charms and good luck. So it kind of sucks that they are at each other’s throats at 12:26 p.m. Don’t spend money on anything—perfect, because nothing will be open.

Tuesday 9/3

  • This whole day is about talking and expressing yourself.

  • Mercury and Mars are hanging out together at 11:40 a.m., which is PERFECT for getting back to the grind, whatever your grind may be. Mercury is our mental energy and intellectual prowess, and with superhero Mars in its corner, our brains (and our mouths!) become our superpower. So let it flap open because you might save the world.🌎

  • The moon is friendly with Mars, Mercury and the sun in the 1 p.m. hour, and then Saturn at 7:18 p.m. If there were ever a day when you could trust your gut, now would be it. You are getting the right signals, and you can trust your emotions to process them before your cognitive mind.

  • Finally, the sun and Mercury meet up at 9:40 p.m., so now your SOUL wants to talk, too. Have a heart-to-heart with someone else or yourself (usually makes no difference to me).

Wednesday 9/4

  • The day opens on two of the most dramatic planets, Venus and Neptune, who are having a major row at 7:27 a.m. Neptune is the higher octave of Venus—much like Uranus to Mercury. (In the format of analogy problems, it goes Venus : Neptune :: Mercury : Uranus.) So this morning—and really, the whole day—is not the best for anything aesthetic, like a haircut or new eyeliner or experimenting with your art. Just wait it out until the next day.

  • The moon is void of course from 6:58 a.m. to 11:08 p.m., so use this day for finishing up projects or itineraries already in motion. Any changes now are pretty much doomed, so just stick to the plan as-is.

Thursday 9/5

  • At 8:37 a.m., Mercury trines Saturn, which means that our minds are on our money, our productivity, and our 5-year plan. This is an excellent morning to chart goals for the long or near term. Or both.

  • After 8 p.m., the moon is fighting with both Mars and the sun, which can be an emotionally volatile time. Passive aggressive tensions simmering under the surface may want to come out, but it’s best to avoid a confrontation if you can. Avoid humans and release your anger in some other format (like punching pillows or crying in the shower or scream-singing to Moana, not that I have ever…).

Friday 9/6

  • Around 7 a.m. and 12 p.m., moon is cranky at Venus and Neptune, respectively, As with Wednesday, it’s best to avoid any decisions that may affect your looks or your art. With regard to love—be careful about being misled by someone sexy. The stronger your romantic attachment, the rosier your spectacles. You may not be able to help feeling swept away, but you can refuse to sign anything (I hope they are not making you sign something!) or make binding promises until the weekend, at least.

  • The sun and Saturn are graciously holding the door for one another at 5:56 p.m., lending you some practical instincts and the skills to compete and win. You are a formidable talent and shouldn’t be wasting your time on anything trivial tonight.

  • At 11:44 p.m., Venus and Pluto are very much getting along, making it sexy for all of us. Together, these two unite the power of love with the power of POWER. Pluto roots us in our darkest and deepest desires, and Venus makes it romantic. If seducing someone was on your to-do list, this is the cosmic opportunity you’ve been waiting for. 💋

Saturday 9/7

  • A calm day with the moon in practical, stable Capricorn. Finally.

Sunday 9/8

  • Yikes. The sun and Jupiter are squaring each other at 11:27 a.m., which means luck is not on our side. Expect to be irked by delayed travel, out of the blue requests, or unsolicited criticisms that you really didn’t ask for. Make sure you are emotionally prepared to (politiely) say no. Otherwise you could impulsively overpromise and set yourself up for underdelivering.

  • Besides that unpleasantness, the moon is pretty much good with Mars, Saturn, the sun, Neptune, Mercury, and Pluto all day! That’s basically… everything, so do whatever you want today! (I mean, do whatever you want every day, obviously.)

  • And then at 11:07 p.m., Mercury trines Pluto, which gives some power and seriousness to your thoughts and words. Whether you’re writing an investigative report or a text, you’ll unearth the truth. And if you’ve been running from the truth, it’ll catch you!

You're a virgin who CAN drive

Virgo will drag you but also empower you 😮🚙

Virgo new moon on August 30 🌾🌕

The only thing better than a new moon is a Friday new moon! 🎉🍾 But this one is in Virgo, so it’s not exactly a SUMMER Friday…

david rose #funny GIF by Schitt's Creek

New moons (as you may know) are the beginning of the lunar cycle. They occur when the sun and the moon meet up at the same degree within a sign (a conjunction). During a new moon, the night sky is a dark, blank page upon which we will write the themes that guide us for the month. Our wills (the sun) and our hearts (the moon) are completely aligned, so it’s the perfect time to make plans, goals, and intentions. It’s about beginnings, not endings, and the whole thing is usually a hopeful affair.

alexis rose GIF by Schitt's Creek

In this case, it’s imbued with the grit and humility of Virgo. My Virgo sister explained to me at her birthday lunch last week that what drives her people is to get the work done so that they can feel good about enjoying ourselves. Virgos want to party, she insisted, but they can’t do it when we have a to-do list hanging over their heads.

I then tried to explain to her the Geminian model of procrastination, and eventually she interrupted me to let me know that I was in danger of missing the window to secretly communicate to our server that it was her birthday so that she could be “surprised” with a candle in her cake. If she hadn’t reminded me, it wouldn’t have gotten done. Virgos don’t just have your back, they have their own back in case you forgot.

pop tv GIF by Schitt's Creek

This Virgo moon isn’t like other Virgo moons (it’s cool moon), because this one is conjunct Venus and Mars as well. That means that the following celestial bodies, and all their attendant astrological power (which may be none, because astrology is PROBABLY not real), are clustering in early Virgo:

  • Sun

  • Moon

  • Venus

  • Mars

That’s a lot of energy concentrated in tough little Virgo. Venus and Mars in cahoots is exactly as sexy as it sounds, and this lunation could bring romantic overtones. Or you might just feel smitten with yourself as you tick off chores like a machine. Since the sun entered Virgo, I have been CRUISING through my to-dos, and I feel like I may finish them once and for all (even though you can’t, that’s impossible). Seriously, I’m going to finally get a bleach pen for my dirty whites (which is EXTRA Virgo, now that I see it in black and white), and I’m going to roll over my 401(k). And I’m going to hang up a piece of art that’s been sitting in my kitchen since May. This is what an empowered Virgo season is. Behold; it is glorious.

Eugene Levy Dance GIF by Schitt's Creek

A comedic diversion

You may know that I occasionally write humor pieces, and if you don’t, I solemnly promise to brag about it more.

Anyway, my writing partner Ysabel and I put pen to paper on this delicious little number for the New Yorker, and I think it’s the funniest thing I will ever write.

The All-Natural Ingredients in Our Disgusting Skincare Line


Horoscopes for this wild week ahead

Heads up: Uranus in Taurus is making a LOT of aspects to planets this week. Uranus brings turbulence, shocking developments, and new ideas (sometimes borne out of necessity). It’s not always fun but it is always interesting…

As usual, this newsletter lives in New York, so all time zones are of the Eastern persuasion.

Monday 8/26

  • The moon—and therefore our emotions—is feeling very friendly and collegial toward Mars, Venus, and Uranus all before 6 a.m. Mars and Venus represent interpersonal sparks, so this is a very good time to interact with someone you love or want (but don’t necessarily need 😈). Uranus is an eccentric genius coming up with new inventions—so this may inspire some weird conversations or sudden changes in thoughts, moods, and dynamics. (I’ve already had some weird conversations this morning… 🤯)

  • Venus and Uranus are happy together at 11:37 a.m., which brings us the friendliest sides of both: Venus giving us harmony and acceptance, and Uranus letting us be total originals. Great time for any creative problem-solving or art-making or introductions to new friends.

  • The moon is opposed to taskmaster Saturn at 5:45 p.m., so you may THINK your day is over but be forced to retrace your steps or take care of one more errand. And it will be frustrating, even when you see it coming.

Tuesday 8/27

  • The moon is opposing Pluto at 4:55 a.m., which I don’t care for. I know it’s early, but oppositions are ugly, and moon vs. Pluto are two very emotional, high-maintenance celestial objects that together can stir up some shit. Oppositions usually involve other people, so beware the early morning email or late-night text. You can’t help receiving one, but you can stop yourself from sending. Luckily, the moon is fast-moving and should get out of Pluto’s way quickly.

  • Blissfully, the moon conks out (goes void of course, its version of retrograde) until 7:53 p.m., so the day may be more about finishing up Monday’s demands than starting new ones.

Wednesday 8/28

  • The moon gets testy with eccentric Uranus at 6:29 a.m., but then immediately after Mars takes Uranus’ side 20 minutes later at 6:51 a.m. The second of these is much more important, because the moon is moody but gets over things quickly. But the union of Mars and Uranus is a powerful one for moving forward on something bold, new, and exciting. Depending on where this lands, you could hear back from a job interview, get test results, get a new car, etc. The only thing I’d caution against is scheduling surgery or a haircut or going shooting at this time. I have no idea who is doing any of those things at 6 in the morning, but Mars does rule over sharp instruments and objects of war, and Uranus is all about unpredictability and surprises. Even when the two planets are getting along—you don’t really want to mix surprise and violence.

  • In between those two events, the moon and Jupiter are fully flirting in public at 8:07 p.m., which blesses you with some joy and good fortune in everything you’re already doing.

Thursday 8/29

  • Fantastic day. 🌻

  • Mercury moves into VIRGO at 3:48 a.m, and then joins up with the moon at 10:22 p.m. Mercury is the natural ruler of Virgo, so it’s very at home in the sign. For all of us, it’ll make us snappier and smarter communicators. Virgo has no problem killing your darlings.

  • At 8:07 p.m., the sun and Uranus are thrilled with each other, so expect to build on the week’s theme of surprises (mostly good ones!) and new directions. Uranus always wants you to look forward and has no time for sentimentality. The future may not actually be bright but Uranus wants you to at least entertain the possibility that it might be, and then proceed accordingly.

Friday 8/30

  • OMG the new moon in Virgo. 😇

  • At 6:14 p.m. you have Saturn and the moon getting along, bringing recognition and rewards for all your hard work. (The reward should be better than simply the weekend which was coming either way…)

  • But then the moon is not on good terms with Jupiter, our bounty and good luck (7:39 p.m.) and then Neptune, our imagination and glamour (11:36 p.m.). It’s interesting, because what Jupiter and Neptune share is a tilt toward the unrealistic. In Jupiter’s case, it’s optimism above all else. With Neptune, it’s an dreamy, druggy fog to deliver us from the pain of being alive. They are beautiful, necessary, inspiring planetary forces, but at their worst, they are both full of shit. You’re not buying any of it tonight. Or at least you shouldn’t be—so stay sharp. Not all skepticism is cynicism.

Saturday 8/31

  • Nice aspect between the moon and powerful Pluto at 4:46 a.m. Should lend an air of stability and gravitas to the whole day. Good time to think about deeper wants. Nothing shallow today.

  • Great day to work on projects in progress. The moon is void of course (its version of retrograde) from 4:46 a.m. to 7:08 p.m., which means new plans will stall but anything already in motion will want to stay in motion.

Sunday 9/1

  • Bunny bunny! 🐰🐰 I’ll leave this one for the next letter because it’s Virgo season and I want a clean ending for the month!

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