A tick-tock of this Scorpio full moon

In a fallow period but felt compelled to share this

Today is the worst full moon of 2021, so congratulations to us for having reached this moment. Soon it will be over. Here’s what to expect over the next days — because this full moon is going to take a few days. All times are New York times.

Today, April 26, a Monday

  • 7:15 a.m.: This already happened by the time I started this, but the moon in Libra squared Pluto, the planet of power, deep jealousy, and death. Squares are IRRITATING and miserable, and that explains why I woke up deeply sad, with a headache, and the baggiest, wrinkliest eyes of my life so far. It was like they went through puberty, but the puberty of middle age, overnight. I took a picture to stew over it later.

  • 8:40 a.m.: The moon isn’t even in Scorpio yet. It goes void of course at this time, which is like a retrograde for our emotions. Not a good time to start anything, including a newsletter entry. But an okay time to revisit and finish up loose ends.

  • Also 8:40 a.m.: The moon, still in Libra, is trine to Jupiter in Aquarius. That is very lucky and sanguine. Jupiter especially offers protection — sometimes beyond what we deserve or have earned. I assume this aspect will make my headache go away, but it already hasn’t. One thing the moon and Jupiter being in harmony always offers: a good sense of humor to start the day.

  • 3:29 p.m.: First of all, look at that time jump. Nothing going on all morning. Good, I already anticipate needing a break. Second, this is another fabulous aspect to butter us up before the kill (aka the full moon that is STILL coming…). This time it’s the moon trining Mars, which is in Cancer. Just a quick note — I was BORN with Mars in Cancer and it is the WORST place for Mars to be. Mars, who likes to fuck and fight and get things moving, hates the smothering sentimentality and general WATERYNESS of Cancer. And both signs are active — cardinal in mode — so they both want to do things their way, and their ways are not compatible. So that’s what’s up now, BUT the moon is now in Scorpio, and that’s feeling charming towards Mars. It’s good that we have the moon supporting Mars right now in its time of need. I feel like we’re all going to be somewhat emotionally stable today despite… what’s coming… (I’m fear mongering and it’s too much).

  • 11:32 p.m.: There it is. The Scorpio full moon peaking. The full moon has been going on ALL DAY AND YESTERDAY, by the way. Full moons are not one day or one hour affairs. They are a weekend hangover. But this is the most intense point, so everything is leading up to this moment. Full moons bring culmination to tension that’s already going on, but for reasons I’ll get to below, we may not see this one coming. This may bring a swerve that knocks us on our asses. And it’s Scorpio. It’s the deepest, most emotionally intense sign. One of the most stubborn. Fixed and brutal. It loves a lot, and that means we will CARE about whatever this moon kicks up. But let me offer (some!?) comfort to temper this terror: full moons pick on what is weak. They poke at links that ought to break, because they hold us back. So it may come sniffing around your house and find that everything, in fact, is fine. Let’s hope it’s that outcome. But if not, it will make you let go, which I guess is a good thing, and I will try to believe that.

Tomorrow, April 27, a Tuesday

  • We’re far from done.

  • 4:51 a.m.: I know this should be too early to make a huge impact, but the moon is OPPOSING Uranus at this time. Oppositions are awful tug-of-war struggles, usually involving another person, and Uranus is cruel clown surprises. I mean, you just don’t want to be at odds with the planet that has the power to freak you out. And the moon is already so stressed out! Do you like it when your friends sneak up on you? What about when you are tired and dealing with withdrawal from the sun’s loving rays? Not so good natured then, probably. Also, Uranus is in Taurus, which isn’t news, and it will stay there until 2026, but I would be a negligent fear monger if I didn’t highlight that Uranus HATES being in Taurus. Like Mars in Cancer, the planet is in its fall in this sign. Good context to have as we suffer…

  • 8:47 a.m.: And now Saturn’s joined the fight. Saturn, as you know, represents limitations and scarcity and challenges you to work within difficult conditions for optimal growth. That sounds GREAT if you signed up for barre class or some other resistance training, but here it is FOISTED upon us with a brutal square to the moon. On a macro scale, I would be extra way of institutions at this time — but that’s always good advice. Authority figures may not be your friend. The way out? Reschedule the call, bite your tongue, put your head down, live to fight another day.

  • 1:35 and 4:35 p.m.: It just keeps getting worse. At these respective times, the Scorpio moon will ONCE AGAIN OPPOSE both Venus and then Mercury. I’m making whining noises right now because I do not want this. Venus, like Daisy’s voice from The Great Gatsby, is full of money. It showers resources and beauty upon us. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES DO NOT NEED THIS OPPOSITION. Then with Mercury, who is so communicative and always implies multiple voices, this portends arguments and misunderstandings with other human beings. We do not need this stress — especially not when especially while the moon is already raw and roiled from being too full. (Honestly that’s what a full moon is like. Getting too full, being horribly uncomfortable, and then taking a huge shit and it’s over. I’ve never thought of that before.)

The next day, April 28, a Wednesday

  • 6:38 a.m.: The moon is in a happy and sweet position to Pluto, which I hope means its regaining its strength from the source of it all post-full moon. Truly, this will be morning of repair.

  • 8:31 a.m.: Okay, I spoke too soon. The moon is squaring Jupiter, whose good fortune and bounty we could really use at this difficult time. Jupiter issues often feel caprcious, as the Zodiac’s Santa giveth and taketh. Watch out for rookie errors. Now is the time to lean on your maturity lol. Like, don’t write “lol” after things. Also the moon goes void of course at this time, which means a lot of backward momentum and rumination and sputtered starts. It’s the feeling of getting a ton of notes when you thought you were done with something. OMG; it’s patience we will need at this time, so I hope you have some in stock.

  • 11:42 a.m.: The moon enters Sagittarius. The full moon is OVER. It is no longer void. You are free and reborn as a glorious pony.

The Valentine's Day Episode 💖

The only holiday that matters to me ❄

St. Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is the most Aquarius holiday, as long as you’re willing to expand your conceptions of romance beyond provincial norms.

Aquarius is a cerebral sign. It rules our brains and the bioelectricity that powers it. The sign represents the cold depths of outer space, which is how far we need to go sometimes to peacefully coexist with the universe. It's Rick making love to a collective. It’s Pippin in the finale outgrowing the need for treacly musical accompaniment. It’s nouveau-romantic. It’s political and equal and plural.

As astrologer Colin Bedell said in a clip I found on Instagram (slide 2):

The real powerful principle that Aquarius energy teaches us all is, how can I make my friendships more romantic, and my romances more friendly?

Leave it to an eloquent Gemini to put such a button on it. Aquariusness is about higher love (GOOD song, by the way), which exists in conversation with and in the context of all our relationships—and our capacity to relate to other beings at all. It calls on us to take responsibility for the COLLECTIVE love available in our society, and to care for one another from the top of our intelligence.

Valentine’s Day is the most wonderful time of the year because it invites a reimagination of love. For couples, it seems like a just-okay holiday, because it can be staid and obligatory. But as a single person, it’s better than a birthday. Each year, I take this holy day to celebrate everything and everyone I value with NO compromises, like a peaceful, transcendent god. In the middle of winter, it's nice to be alone, quiet, and ruthless about pursuing your own happiness.

No offense to anyone’s rituals—because this is all about doing whatever YOU love—but for me, I don’t do Galentine’s Day or anything conciliatory meant to soothe the sting of being romantically unattached. Being alone is the point.

Here’s a rough itinerary for Valentine’s Day, though not necessarily everything I will do today:


Backward-Looking Horoscopes

The Aquarius new moon occurred last Thursday, a week for which I did not write horoscopes, so I thought maybe I’d write one now and compare it to what actually happened that day.

Thursday 2.11

Here’s the horoscope:

  • OMG a new moon in Aquarius!

  • New moons are the real beginning of the month, shifting the mood for the next 30 days. They are opportunities for new beginnings, and I recommend writing down 10 wishes right after it appears at 2:06 p.m.

  • This lunation is especially auspicious because of a 10 a.m. conjunction between Venus and Jupiter. Known as the benefics (lesser and greater, respectively), Venus and Jupiter confer love, money, favor, and opportunities onto us. When they sit together like this, we get the best of both—Venus’ elegance and luxury, and Jupiter’s bounty and beginner’s luck. Lovely today to buy a lottery ticket, connect with friends and family and lovers, or even get a haircut.

  • The whole mood of Aquarius is one of moonshot progress and steadfast optimism. It governs not only our individual selves, but our society and institutions. This is one of the most hopeful moments of the entire year, and we should indulge the biggest dreams for progress we can envision, and take steps to move that vision forward.

Here’s what happened:

This is the “I don’t believe in astrology” part of the I don’t believe in astrology newsletter.


Forward-Looking Horoscopes

Now here’s what’s coming up this week. All times are, of course, EST because I live (laugh, love) in New York.

Sunday 2.14

  • Valentine’s Day. A perfect holiday.

  • It’s also delicious from an astrology perspective. Moon is in Aries (meow) as of 10:54 a.m., which is hot and active and physical. No matter what you are feeling—bitter, revengey, romantical, jealous, adorable, sexy, cozy4—it will come through with precision and clarity. This is not a confusing day, and it will be obvious to you and anyone around you (should you choose to celebrate the holiday with others) what you want and how to be happy.

  • At 4:40 p.m., Mercury and Jupiter will meet up, creating the perfect conditions to spill your guts to someone or some computer. Jupiter magnifies everything, pinches your bottom, and gives you good luck, and Mercury has the words for everything we want to say. Be talkative, gossip, email me secrets.

Monday 2.15

Tuesday 2.16

Wednesday 2.17

Thursday 2.18

Friday 2.19

Saturday 2.20

Sunday 2.21


Previews…

Just in case I’m too lazy to write next week, I want close by saying that on Wednesday, February 24, especially at 8:52 p.m. EST but also all day, you should have sex. If you want that and are able. Mars and Pluto are in LOVE at that time, and as they are the planets of deep animal and spiritual desires, I think it’s a fantastic time to get railed.

1

I already didn’t do this. I stayed in bed and wrote this newsletter instead.

2

One down.

3

Should be “in addition to.”

4

For me it was: horny.

The lies we tell our peers

Happy Groundhog Day

It’s summer!

No, it’s extremely not, but I wanted to open with an attention-getting lie. Are lies even fun anymore? I never went through that phase during age 6-8 where we would propagate obvious falsehoods about our lives. “My mom gives me $1,000 a week for allowance.” “I starred in Home Alone.” “I am a princess.” That last one was mine, but it wasn’t a lie to me—it seemed true, citation not needed.

That little above paragraph is the ONLY personal indulgence I will make you sit through to get to my world-class analysis and horoscopes for the week ahead, below. I have discipline. I am a grown-up. For everyone who is an Aquarius rising in this year of 2021, maturity and personal revolution is our theme (because we have Jupiter and Saturn there all year—Saturn to stay through March 2023).

Saturn is in its dignity in Aquarius—it’s the sign’s ancient ruler, so it likes being there. Maybe more than Capricorn, even. Saturn in Aquarius is when you live up to your public relations. Saturn in Aquarius comes with a wrecking ball, but also a blueprint. This isn’t just shake-up-your-shit rebellion for LOLs (Joker*). It builds more than it destroys (Promising Young Woman).

But also Mercury went into retrograde in this VERY sign I speak of, so it’s a give-and-take. Aquarius is the sign of genius and progress so this should be an ideal placement for a planet that represents cognition and communication. And it’s a fabulous placement, but remember two things:

  1. Aquarius doesn’t mind fucking with you.

  2. Mercury in retrograde is COMPELLED to fuck with you.

It’s like, you’ll have 12 tabs open, all of which you love EQUALLY, and then your computer overheats and all those delicious articles for your brain are gone forever. And that’s best case scenario. Back up your files, double check emails before you hit send, don’t talk shit about people. You may not be able to control the narrative should you be misunderstood. This is great advice, I hope I take it!

* I have not seen Joker, and I think it’s still okay that I made this comparison. More importantly, I have seen PYW as many times as the rental would allow, and my point that it offers a more generative than destructive (or self-destructive) world is arguable, not absolute. But would love to chat with anyone who has a different take!

These World-Class Horoscopes

OMG finally, and time zones are, of course, Eastern. I live in New York, and for that, I apologize!

Monday 2.1

Tuesday 2.2

  • It is Groundhog Day and also Groundhog Decade.

  • The Libra moon wakes up in a very cozy trine to the sun at around 6 a.m., which sets the stage for harmony all around today.

  • Then it goes void at 10:15 p.m. Don’t make plans after that point, not that you were going to…

  • This is an extremely undramatic Tuesday—let’s embrace that.

Wednesday 2.3

  • The moon is in Scorpio, which is intense, but we accept it. Also Scorpio might be full of feelings, but it presents as chill on the surface. No shallow analysis today—if you’ve already seen one thousand tweets or headlines with the same take, refine your take.

  • Trouble ahead. The moon is squaring Venus and then Saturn at 1:55 p.m. and 6:47 p.m., respectively. Squares are irritants, the opposite of a “no tears” formula shampoo in our eyes. Venus represents our relations with others, our money, and our harmony in the world. Saturn represents the resources that are available to us. You may be denied something you want, and it will vex you. You’ll probably be fine (I actually have no idea! Very presumptuous!), but the potential for frustration is high.

  • Then the moon opposes Uranus at 8:57 p.m. I would not schedule anything at this time, and leave a wide berth. Uranus is volatility and surprises, and oppositions represent sparring with another person. Watch a movie and escape through the usual channels of digital numbing out. You were probably going to do that anyway.

Thursday 2.4

Friday 2.5

  • The moon moves into Sagittarius at 12:16 p.m., which gives us a perk of optimism. Like a matcha latte! (OMG somebody stop me!)

  • Then the moon is making lovely aspects to Venus and Saturn at around 10 p.m., which could be extremely useful for creative pursuits or even job hunting, or I don’t know… let’s put capitalism aside. It’s FRIDAY NIGHT, and while I have no doubt that weekends have ceased to exist for many, many people, and perhaps never did exist for still more, this is still a pleasant planetary night. It’s NICE when Venus and Saturn sit in harmony with each other, because Saturn is like tut-tut, can’t have that, and Venus is like, no go ahead, I made extra. So it’s nice when they are both like, fine, yes, we’re here for you. I cannot imagine doing even one fun thing under the rule of this virus, but maybe you'll have a nice dinner, a hot tea, a soothing bubble bath, and you'll feel rooted in the acceptance of the moment presented to you.

Saturday 2.6

  • The moon will sweetly sextile Jupiter and the sun, which is friendly and buoyant and charming. Could be nice all day!

  • But not all night. The moon also squares Neptune at 9:40 p.m., which is a downer, and may set the scene for a rather hopeless night. Neptune is scary because it represents belief, glamour, meaning, hope. It’s not a personal planet, and it’s daily movements and aspects are probably not going to hit you directly—although it could, and for me it has absolutely ruined my life on two occasions—but it’s a fundamental source of serotonin. So you might notice when it dips.

  • Venus squaring Uranus at 10:33 p.m is cranky. Venus, the planet of diplomacy, is secretly a fighter when it’s ruffled, and Uranus is like, out to ruffle. I have one fingernail—my left pointer—that I just absolutely bite down to the nub whenever I am stressed, aka Sunday through Friday, and then it is allowed to grow back on Saturdays. I feel like the agita of this aspect is going to ruin the progress I’ve made with fortifying biotin supplements.

Sunday 2.7

The Virgos are here 🌾

And they're already complaining

Two things that probably bother Virgos

In honor of Virgo season, which begins today, I wanted to complain. Twice.

  1. The phrase “global pandemic”: This is redundant. The word “pandemic” already implies a global scale. Otherwise it’d just be an epidemic.

    https://www.merriam-webster.com/assets/mw/images/source-original/2020-05-04_16-55-07---26c1a9d1b8f65d25594cdd45a9f61955.png

    It sounds good, I get it. The extra “global” adds heft and geography to a horrendous tragedy that deserves all the italics and bolding we can possibly lend it. But… it’s an unnecessary modifier, and I notice every time someone says it, especially if they are speaking from a lofty perch. And the loftiest of all, perhaps, was Michelle Obama at the DNC.

    (She says it at minute 3:55, and technically she’s not talking about the coronavirus, but what Ebola could have been without her husband’s policies in place. Still.)

  2. The reality of a global pandemic: Of course this pisses off Virgos (and everyone) the most! 🤮


Now for your regularly scheduled weekly horoscopes

All times, as always, are Eastern.

Sunday 8/23

Monday 8/24

Tuesday 8/25

  • A Sagittarius moon, bringing out the wandering instincts in all of us.

  • Mercury and Uranus, who are really progressions of each other, are perfectly happy together at 11:17 a.m. You will be adept at quickly translating sudden insights into compelling arguments. In other words, you’re Elle Woods.

  • Wait. Fuck. Okay, so problem #1: the moon squares the sun at 1:58 p.m., which is like a full moon, only pettier. Full moons are oppositions that culminate building tensions, sometimes releasing them with violence and conflict. But squares are just… agita. Massive irritations. Dissonance. It brings out the finicky asshole in us all. But at least this aspect will pass quickly, since the moon moves fast. So one cranky lunch, and you’re done.

  • But you’re not done. I cannot believe I thought this was going to be a good day. There’s problem #2, and it’s bigger. Venus opposes Jupiter at 6:26 p.m., which is love and luck at odds with each other in a big way. Venus is our ability to be charming, beautiful, and diplomatic. It’s the smaller benefic, a planet that brings good news and better gifts. The problem is that it’s directly confronting Jupiter, the larger benefic, Santa Claus, who enables us to do things and inspire others with half the effort it really requires. Jupiter is beginner’s luck, the kiss o’ the Irish—a knife when you actually need a knife!

  • My point is, this is bad time to get a new haircut or plan a new venture with a friend or go on a sexy walk with someone. Ugh.

    reese witherspoon legally blonde gif | WiffleGif

Wednesday 8/26

  • A fine day, just watch out for a little disconnect between dreams and reality around 7:44 p.m. when the moon and Neptune square off. Don’t believe everything you believe…

confused eugene levy GIF by Schitt's Creek

Thursday 8/27

Friday 8/28

Horoscopes and a correction 😯

First time ever admitting a mistake. It was cool!

The horoscopes part of the newsletter (aka why you are here) ✨

A lot of things this week—new moon in Leo, Mercury moves into Virgo, VIRGO SEASON DAWNS. All times are Eastern, baby.

Monday 8/17

Tuesday 8/18

  • New fucking moon in Leo! Peaking at 10:42 p.m. so the whole day is gravy baby!

  • New moons are GOOD fun, imbuing us with hope for the month ahead. Leo is a particularly joyful and optimistic sign for the moon and sun to be hanging out in, and it should invite some genuine pleasure into our lives. I know that’s hard to imagine, because we’re in this timeline, but I don’t know, you might feel really good.

  • Make 10 wishes! Write them down. Don’t do it before 10:42 p.m.—let the new moon actually happen, and then be off with your quill.

  • This moon is extra sugary because Venus and Uranus are friendly (beauty and originality?!), as are the moon and Mars. This is a HOT day for a Tuesday.

Hottest GIFs of Wet Women in Water

Wednesday 8/19

Thursday 8/20

  • Truly a good, solid, salt-of-the-earth kind of day… except for one little aspect.

  • The moon opposes dreamy Neptune at 1:16 p.m., which I’m not necessarily worried about for me, because I literally have no dreams in my life right now. But it might be a concern if you are:

    1. In love with someone and not sure if they love you back,

    2. Pitching something big,

    3. Trying to convince someone of anything,

    4. Trying not to be convinced of something,

    5. Addicted to something.

    Sorry to be glib, because these are problems of widely variant severity, although I guess it all depends, and I just want to cover ground even though I don’t know your life. Neptune deceives us, and the moon is our emotions fighting with whatever image we’re being sold. That fight doesn’t mean the moon is seeing through it, though. It could be that Neptune is the pacifying force that neutralizes our healthy skepticism and makes us suckers. It’s not our fault. It’s not your fault. Neptune is the force that enables us to manifest visions from beyond reality. We need that. But we also need reality, and bad Neptune aspects can encourage escapist behavior and denial.

  • I had a bad Neptune transit once. It was someone I was seeing, and it was obviously causing me a lot of pain and disruption. I saw the planet right there in my fifth house of dating. And yet I didn’t think it applied to him. I was basically emotionally bleeding out, staring at the wound, and saying, “Hm, I feel lightheaded; I wonder what that could be?” Not only did I know what Neptune transits could bring, I also knew that Neptune quells your suspicion of Neptune. I was a completely informed person, and it didn’t save me. I mean, I’m fine now. But that’s the power of Neptune. It’s soft power. It doesn’t squash dissent by hitting you over the head—it hypnotizes you into laying down your defenses.

  • But oppositions are struggles, and they are usually with someone else. I’d just be careful whom you speak to during the hour around this one.

    Kaa GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

Friday 8/21

Saturday 8/22

  • VIRGO SEASON! Grab your No. 2 pencils and your “same amount of hours in a day as Beyonce,” and get to work!

  • Virgos are about work, but it’s more than that. They are the mutable sign that deals with reality. They deal with literal matter—bodies and couches and dirt—and they deal with things that matter. They are alive, baby! And as such, they can be alarmingly talented escape artists, partying too late with too many influences and seemingly no responsibilities. But that’s because they are smarter than you and know what secretly needs to be done. They are not about “hygiene theater”—and they won’t hesitate to condemn it as a counterproductive waste of energy. They do their duty; no more, no less. And they expect you to do yours.

  • Virgos are lifelong friends, quick-witted, never boring, actually sexy when they want to be, wonderfully nerdy, too anxious to deal with, upstanding but not idealistic, and they will never, ever, ever tell you something tired and treacly just because you want to hear it. And ultimately that’s for your own good, too!

    Insecure GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

Sunday 8/23

🚨 Baby’s first correction 🚨

In the last issue of this letter, I homaged Taylor Swift’s sweet new album, folklore, by assigning each of the signs a lyric. One of my best ideas! But I hemmed and hawed over Leo, which was critical for two reasons:

  1. It’s currently Leo season,

  2. Karlie Kloss is a Leo!

Karlie is important because, for those who don’t know, she is a famous model with a major coding hobby who was Taylor’s BFF until she absolutely wasn’t anymore. Many think the two tall blondes had a romantic entanglement, and that many songs on folklore—and indeed, the entire cottagecore, plaintive aesthetic of it—is about their love. I am one of these people, if only because I simply want it to be true. I mean, look at this video and tell me these giggly babes are not sexually and emotionally into each other.

Anyway, I wanted so badly to get Leo right that I got it wrong. Here’s what I wrote last week:

Leo

Before I learned civility /
I used to scream ferociously /
Any time I wanted

…from seven

Now, that’s fine, and it’s not untrue of Leos or anything, but it wasn’t my first instinct, and it didn’t feel like the most compelling choice upon hitting send. So here was my original pick, and the right one:

Leo (the remix)

Flew in all her Bitch Pack friends from the city /
Filled the pool with champagne and swam with the big names /
And blew through the money on the boys and the ballet

…from last great american dynasty

Yeah, that’s better. This has the elements I really want to highlight—Leos traveling in packs (prides, I suppose), being extra large with the parties, and dropping too much cash for a good time. I love this season, and I love you, lions.

This editorial fumble has allowed me to give you even more limelight and attention, so I bet there is not a single Leo who is mad about being the subject of this newsletter’s first correction. 🦁👑

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